Day Thirty: Commission

I had no idea that four years ago our lives would be drastically changed.

Tonight, on the eve of my 43rd birthday, I sit here in this noisy, chaotic and terribly messy house, and wonder what life would be like if a miracle hadn't happened. 

You see, four years ago I fell in love with a little boy. A very sick and neglected little boy with eyes so blue that seemed to look right down into my very soul.

And I knew, with all of my heart, that God was calling me to help him. I scooped him up and took him home and bathed his broken little body. Thee Farmer stood guard in the bathroom doorway and watched me cry as I washed away layers of dirt. 

Right now, with tears streaming down my face, I remember how traumatic it was for all of us. For him, because he had really known no human interaction and for us to see so much suffering. 

We cleaned him up and did what we knew how to do best, LOVE.

Tonight, I have to write this to remind myself what God has called me to do. I am a mother to five wonderful children. I am a wife of an amazing (and handsome!) man. God has called me to this right here, right now. He has commissioned me to sacrifice self and instead invest in those around me. 

One child was more than enough for me, back in the day. But then, I started praying for a husband because we were so lonely. Then we started praying for another child and Jaima arrived. For five more years we prayed and cried out to Him to send us another child, and then our first miracle came, Jaiden. 

Fast forward to today and two more precious miracle boys added to our family. 

It's a lot to handle. 

Honestly? Tonight I am questioning God's calling on my life. There is never enough patience, silence, or peace. Because I forget to fill up on the Truth of His Word. And I end up a hot mess. And yelling, "How can I be a Christian mom in all of this chaos?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Yep, I said it. I spoke the truth. When Thee Stuff of life happens and you get caught up in the moment your church face comes off and its gets real. (Up in here.)

I sit here and whisper:

You made me.

You are my strength.

You are right here.

This is who I am meant to be.

This is the way it is and you are not going to leave me in the middle of the mess.

I hear little voices crying for me. It's bedtime and their sweet little faces need kisses and they need to hear stories and know that they are loved.

This, I can do. I can love. It's all He has asked me to do.

Just love.